People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.