I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
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writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The answer is funnier than the question
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.