Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
How to make infinite energy.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Worth a try
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?