Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.