I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”