If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.