If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
This could be us… but you playing
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.