Cool shirt 🙂
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
🤣🤣🤣
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that