I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
You Might Also Like
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them