“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them