You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
what day is it?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.