An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.