My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
We are the people our parents warned us about.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.