“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.