My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
You Might Also Like
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.