@DumbConfessions

Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.

@DumbConfessions

*sees couple holding hands*

*violently breaks them apart*

“Go. You’re free now.”

@DumbConfessions

*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.

@DumbConfessions

[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

@DumbConfessions

Psychologist: Go to your happy place.

Me: *grabs car keys*

Psychologist: Where are you going?

Me: The liquor store.