@DumbConfessions

God: Women will bleed for a week.

Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?

God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.

@DumbConfessions

Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.

@DumbConfessions

Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”

Both: “LOLOLOLOL”

@DumbConfessions

Her:”Let’s make a baby.”

Him: “Okay! Hold on.”

*goes to bathroom*

[5 minutes later.]

Her: “Where’d you go?”

Him: “You meant with you??”

@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

@DumbConfessions

Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.

@DumbConfessions

*jumps from plane*

*forgets parachute*

*grabs onto flying squirrel*

*lives to tell the tale*