God: Women will bleed for a week.
Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.
Me: *walks away*
Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.
Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.
Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”
God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”
Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”
-French Canadian on a water slide.
No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
I love Alfredo sauce.
Unless you’re a dude named Alfredo.
Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.
*jumps from plane*
*grabs onto flying squirrel*
*lives to tell the tale*