[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.