A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
When news reporters do sports stories
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Wise advice
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
When someone asks if I have any hobbies