“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
crying
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Just got to our Airbnb!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool