Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*