@DurtMcHurtt

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

@DurtMcHurtt

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

@DurtMcHurtt

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

@DurtMcHurtt

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

@DurtMcHurtt

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*