WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.