“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…