Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*