me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
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Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
im all 3
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores