the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon


doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take


nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted


God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea


me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon

nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please

me: why’d y’all put him up there

nasa employee: he asked too many questions

me: how many

nasa employee: four.

me: is that a lot


her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.


me: i liked that movie 🙂

The Person Who Has Read The Book: it was way different than the book

me: oh ok

The Person Who Has Read The Book: i read the book

me: i really liked the score 🙂

The Person Who Has Read The Book: the book didn’t have music


911: what’s your emergency?

me: a man is in my house

911: who

me: idk. how would i know that

911: ask

me: ok


me: he didn’t answer

911: describe him

me: he’s large

911: is he tall

me: yea

911: give him my number 🙂

me: what’s your number

911: are u serious


interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?

me: a fire killed my dad

interviewer: i’m so sorry

me: don’t be. i will have my revenge

interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?

me: no. i’m not an idiot.


me: i’m gonna kill its dad


roommate: i baked an apple pie

me: did you use my apples?

roommate: yea

me: how many

roommate: all of them

me: ALL of them?

roommate: chill-

me: shut up.

*the earth shakes*

me: the doctors are coming

roommate: which doctors

*god begins to scream*

me: all of them