the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea
me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon
nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please
me: why’d y’all put him up there
nasa employee: he asked too many questions
me: how many
nasa employee: four.
me: is that a lot
her: i just got a call from my doctor
me: what did he say
her: that we got a baby coming
me: but we haven’t had sex
her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.
me: i liked that movie 🙂
The Person Who Has Read The Book: it was way different than the book
me: oh ok
The Person Who Has Read The Book: i read the book
me: i really liked the score 🙂
The Person Who Has Read The Book: the book didn’t have music
911: what’s your emergency?
me: a man is in my house
me: idk. how would i know that
me: he didn’t answer
911: describe him
me: he’s large
911: is he tall
911: give him my number 🙂
me: what’s your number
911: are u serious
interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?
me: a fire killed my dad
interviewer: i’m so sorry
me: don’t be. i will have my revenge
interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?
me: no. i’m not an idiot.
me: i’m gonna kill its dad
roommate: i baked an apple pie
me: did you use my apples?
me: how many
roommate: all of them
me: ALL of them?
me: shut up.
*the earth shakes*
me: the doctors are coming
roommate: which doctors
*god begins to scream*
me: all of them