Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Dustinkcouch's best tweets

@Dustinkcouch : me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don't fit the same customer: can you break this dollar or not man me: i just want her back customer: and i just want change me: u sound just like her

@Dustinkcouch: therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it's a car

therapist: no it's us holding hands :/

@Dustinkcouch: pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no "i" in pixar

employee: yes there is

pixar ceo: no there isn't

employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*

pixar ceo: Oh my god.

employee: yea-

pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp

@Dustinkcouch: brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny

me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-

brain: i don't want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end

me: was that the funny thing?

brain: what funny thing? is heaven real

@Dustinkcouch: 911: what's ur emergency

me: i'm in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what's going on?

me: i'm in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

@Dustinkcouch: me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

@Dustinkcouch: mugger: give me your money

me: what service do u provide

mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug

me: how much do u charge

mugger: ...all. all ur money

me: be honest with yourself.

mugger: $10.

me:

mugger: $7?

me: deal

@Dustinkcouch: doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i'm the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

@Dustinkcouch: Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays

@Dustinkcouch: *sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone