God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea
me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon
nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please
me: why’d y’all put him up there
nasa employee: he asked too many questions
me: how many
nasa employee: four.
me: is that a lot
her: i just got a call from my doctor
me: what did he say
her: that we got a baby coming
me: but we haven’t had sex
her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.
me: i liked that movie 🙂
The Person Who Has Read The Book: it was way different than the book
me: oh ok
The Person Who Has Read The Book: i read the book
me: i really liked the score 🙂
The Person Who Has Read The Book: the book didn’t have music
911: what’s your emergency?
me: a man is in my house
me: idk. how would i know that
me: he didn’t answer
911: describe him
me: he’s large
911: is he tall
911: give him my number 🙂
me: what’s your number
911: are u serious
interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?
me: a fire killed my dad
interviewer: i’m so sorry
me: don’t be. i will have my revenge
interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?
me: no. i’m not an idiot.
me: i’m gonna kill its dad
roommate: i baked an apple pie
me: did you use my apples?
me: how many
roommate: all of them
me: ALL of them?
me: shut up.
*the earth shakes*
me: the doctors are coming
roommate: which doctors
*god begins to scream*
me: all of them
me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don’t fit the same
customer: can you break this dollar or not man
me: i just want her back
customer: and i just want change
me: u sound just like her
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar
employee: yes there is
pixar ceo: no there isn’t
employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*
pixar ceo: Oh my god.
pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp