Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Dustinkcouch's best tweets

@Dustinkcouch : me: why'd y'all put that man on the moon

nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please

me: why'd y'all put him up there

nasa employee: he asked too many questions

me: how many

nasa employee: four.

me: is that a lot

@Dustinkcouch: her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven't had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.

@Dustinkcouch: me: i liked that movie :)

The Person Who Has Read The Book: it was way different than the book

me: oh ok

The Person Who Has Read The Book: i read the book

me: i really liked the score :)

The Person Who Has Read The Book: the book didn't have music

@Dustinkcouch: 911: what's your emergency?

me: a man is in my house

911: who

me: idk. how would i know that

911: ask

me: ok

911:

me: he didn't answer

911: describe him

me: he's large

911: is he tall

me: yea

911: give him my number :)

me: what's your number

911: are u serious

@Dustinkcouch: interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?

me: a fire killed my dad

interviewer: i'm so sorry

me: don't be. i will have my revenge

interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?

me: no. i'm not an idiot.

interviewer:

me: i'm gonna kill its dad

@Dustinkcouch: roommate: i baked an apple pie

me: did you use my apples?

roommate: yea

me: how many

roommate: all of them

me: ALL of them?

roommate: chill-

me: shut up.

*the earth shakes*

me: the doctors are coming

roommate: which doctors

*god begins to scream*

me: all of them

@Dustinkcouch: me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don't fit the same

customer: can you break this dollar or not man

me: i just want her back

customer: and i just want change

me: u sound just like her

@Dustinkcouch: therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it's a car

therapist: no it's us holding hands :/

@Dustinkcouch: pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no "i" in pixar

employee: yes there is

pixar ceo: no there isn't

employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*

pixar ceo: Oh my god.

employee: yea-

pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp

@Dustinkcouch: brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny

me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-

brain: i don't want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end

me: was that the funny thing?

brain: what funny thing? is heaven real