Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Dustinkcouch's best tweets

@Dustinkcouch : brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny

me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-

brain: i don't want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end

me: was that the funny thing?

brain: what funny thing? is heaven real

@Dustinkcouch: 911: what's ur emergency

me: i'm in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what's going on?

me: i'm in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

@Dustinkcouch: me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

@Dustinkcouch: mugger: give me your money

me: what service do u provide

mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug

me: how much do u charge

mugger: ...all. all ur money

me: be honest with yourself.

mugger: $10.

me:

mugger: $7?

me: deal

@Dustinkcouch: doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i'm the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

@Dustinkcouch: Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays

@Dustinkcouch: *sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

@Dustinkcouch: santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

@Dustinkcouch: me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don't you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

@Dustinkcouch: uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you're right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.