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Page of Dustinkcouch's best tweets

@Dustinkcouch : mugger: give me your money

me: what service do u provide

mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug

me: how much do u charge

mugger: ...all. all ur money

me: be honest with yourself.

mugger: $10.


mugger: $7?

me: deal

@Dustinkcouch: doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i'm the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

@Dustinkcouch: Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays

@Dustinkcouch: *sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

@Dustinkcouch: santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

@Dustinkcouch: me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don't you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

@Dustinkcouch: uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you're right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

@Dustinkcouch: fantasy novel: she was beautiful, like a-

me: oh man here we go

fantasy novel: tray of fish sticks

me: excuse me

@Dustinkcouch: customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don't think we're allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what's up

boss: you're doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer

@Dustinkcouch: An assault rifle that only shoots blanks should be called a JK-47!

I am fun at parties please invite me to them.