* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
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PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
A great tip. #CakeRex
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery