@Dustinkcouch

fantasy novel: she was beautiful, like a-

me: oh man here we go

fantasy novel: tray of fish sticks

me: excuse me

@Dustinkcouch

customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer

@Dustinkcouch

An assault rifle that only shoots blanks should be called a JK-47!

I am fun at parties please invite me to them.

@Dustinkcouch

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

@Dustinkcouch

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.