I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
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Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Unexpected Judgment
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Eat…