I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Good thing they specify all our brushes. Differentiating things like toothbrush from toilet brush can get confusing.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.