step 6: release the wall snake
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman