My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
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If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I gave up going to work for lent.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
anyone else like Italian cereal
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!