Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
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me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.