The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??