I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.