guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Still my favourite meme.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*