“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I’m literally crying
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row