I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
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how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”