Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
You Might Also Like
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
#Caturday
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.