Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
🖤✌🏽
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING