If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
c’mon!
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Every work meeting this week
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.