Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.