I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.