@E_lok44

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

@E_lok44

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

@E_lok44

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

@E_lok44

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

@E_lok44

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

@E_lok44

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

@E_lok44

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

@E_lok44

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

@E_lok44

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

@E_lok44

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.