FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
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I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry