Okey dokey.
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Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
we all know this pain all too well
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register