@Eagle_Vision

Please enjoy my “Here’s Your Sign” tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.

@Eagle_Vision

The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is “compost.”

@Eagle_Vision

Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.

@Eagle_Vision

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

@Eagle_Vision

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

@Eagle_Vision

I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.

@Eagle_Vision

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.