[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
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My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Just ordered me some pizza!
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably