Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
You Might Also Like
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.