If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Never forget.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I’M CRYINGGG
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this