@EddieHarris216

Winnie the Pooh: Huh. According to this book we’re both apex predators.
Tigger: Really?
(They turn their heads)
Piglet: Oh shit.

@EddieHarris216

It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.

Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.

@EddieHarris216

6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.

@EddieHarris216

Please show up 15 minutes early to your appointment at 8, so your blood pressure can be elevated from anger when we finally take it at 9.
– Doctors

@EddieHarris216

TSA agent: Step aside sir. I need to pat you down.
Me: Hang on.
(Sets up pottery wheel)
(Turns on unchained melody)
Let’s do this.

@EddieHarris216

*steals a Lexus on Christmas Eve *
*parks it in a random driveway with a giant bow on top*

@EddieHarris216

Announcer:
The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.