Winnie the Pooh: Huh. According to this book we’re both apex predators.
(They turn their heads)
Piglet: Oh shit.
It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.
Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.
6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.
Please show up 15 minutes early to your appointment at 8, so your blood pressure can be elevated from anger when we finally take it at 9.
TSA agent: Step aside sir. I need to pat you down.
Me: Hang on.
(Sets up pottery wheel)
(Turns on unchained melody)
Let’s do this.
*steals a Lexus on Christmas Eve *
*parks it in a random driveway with a giant bow on top*
The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.