It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
You Might Also Like
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there