me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Confused owl: What?!
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.