Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
You Might Also Like
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
You can’t rush stupid.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …