If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?